You hear cliches all the time about life... "Life is like a box of chocolates...", "live life to the fullest", "when life gives you lemonades..." and countless others. Taking one of these common sayings and abiding by it can sometimes make life easier. Almost words to live by, if you will. There have been a few things lately that have really made me stop and evaluate my own life and all these sayings. In my mind I still believe I am young, with my whole life ahead of me. Of course I know I am not, but it is going too fast.
As the kids are growing up (way too fast), I am reminded that I am only given one life to live, and at any moment that life could be taken from me. "Each day is a gift"... Each day truly is a gift, and life is only what you make of it. This really strikes me. When I was young and naive I thought I was immune to the bad things. I don't really think I grasped the concept that I was indeed, not invincible.
A dear friend of mine recently experienced a house fire that was declared a total loss. My wonderful friend lost all of her belongings. I am relieved she is fine physically, but I can only imagine the aftermath of it all. And this follows a whole bunch of other crappy things, including breast and skin cancer, in the last 4 years. What happened to my friend could happen to anyone. And while she has been incredibly lucky, despite her really crappy luck, not everyone is that fortunate. This got me thinking... am I living life to the fullest? Am I making the most of my time here? Will I look back on these days and smile? Will I have regrets? I only get one shot at this, only one shot while my babies are this age. Do I live it to the max? The answer, quite truthfully, is no I don't, but I am getting there. I spend more time with the kids, making memories. I stop worrying if my house is spotless (which, btw, I don't think it ever really was), and live. Live like it's our last day here, because really, you never know.
I also keep thinking about how I'm not getting any younger here. I have goals, and dreams for my myself and at the rate I am going I have no hope of achieving them. I want to learn how to use my camera, I want to buy a bigger, nicer house, I want to lose weight, I want to travel to so many places, I want to build my stamping business, I want to do a bizillion things with nicolette and cole. I want to do all of these things (and so much more), but I definitely put things off until tomorrow. The living needs to start, like now, so I don't look back one day and wonder why I didn't accompish more.
Everything somehow leads back to the whole working mom thing. The major major guilt I have for working, when I want nothing more in this world than to stay with my babies. I know I am loving them differently, by providing for them, but I just can't get past it. Maybe I need help to get past it, or maybe I need to focus on the good more (which I really try to do, because there is SO SO SO much more good). And, it hits me randomly. I am not like this everyday! I am embarrassed that I can't get over this and just be happy with our family situation. I'm embarrassed that I work. When I tell people what I do, I somehow feel the need to blurt out that I would rather be home with nicolette and cole. I need people to know I work because I have to and not because I want to leave my kids or that I have this awesome job I love that I go to everyday. Writing in this blog seems to help at those random times, and if I ever print this blog for the kids, who knows if I will keep this portion.
My wish is that I can find peace with working and I can stop being so jealous of moms who stay at home, because the grass is not greener on the other side, despite the way it may appear (that was much easier to write and not as easy to believe). We really do have a great life. We're all healthy and happy and that is really what's important in life. I am fortunate and it's hard to have it all and I need to make peace with that. Why is getting old so hard?? Hopefully I'm getting it all out now, at 29 and 30 will be easier, because God knows I am terrified of the big 3-0!
Ahhhh... feel better!!
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