now i lay me down to sleep...

There is nothing better than being a mommy and it's something I've always wanted, despite my high school vows to never have children. I feel like my life is complete and I get to re-live my childhood, through the eyes of my light haired beauties. I love the playing, and the kisses, and the so very cute, almost making out kisses nic and cole give each other.

But, at the end of a long day, when we're all starting to get cranky because we played hard during the day, and a bit past our bedtime, I look forward to this...

...and getting in my own comfy bed and drifting off to dreamland, so we can do it again the next day.

There is something about sleeping children that makes my heart happy. I don't know if it's because it's the one time of the day that they are still and quiet, or if it's the peacefulness I imagine they feel, or if it's the rare chance I get to reflect on what a blessing they are and how very lucky I am that both of them were put in my life. How my life is so much more enriched just because they were born.

When I stop and look at their sleeping bodies, I sometimes don't know how I got here. Like my life is on autopilot and I fell asleep for the last 10 years. I feel like I should still be in high school dreaming of my family to be, with that perfect husband. It always seemed like a dream for my future. How am I here, living that dream? How did I get to be 29 and have 2 kids?? I'm not old enough to be a mom!

To sleeping babies!

my little diva

The camera is constantly in the kids face, so you'd think they'd be use to it by now. No, no, no... they hate to look at the camera and do any kind of posing. It was quite a different story when Nicolette put on her new bathing suit. I'm a Sucker, with a capital S, when it comes to tutu's, so I fell in love with this pink tutu bathing suit. I couldn't believe the poses nicolette was striking before swimming one night!




And some more tutu pictures, because, ya know, it's tutu cute!

what are YOU enjoying??

Spring has sprung! We've been looking forward to spring, when the weather gets warmer and the snow melts. Last week we heard birds chirping outside our windows- a sure sign spring is on its way!

Today was beautiful- warm and sunny, just the way we like it. We got the bikes down, and the wagon too. It took all I had not to get and use every.single spring thing in the garage or on the deck. This is the first time Cole has really gotten the chance to walk, well, run, outside, since he was just walking in October. And nicolette is old enough to remember doing stuff outside, hence the "member yesterday" comments. "Mommy, member yesterday when I went potty", "Mommy, member yesterday when I rode my bike", "Mommy, member yesterday we went to the market". Yesterday means in the past, not just "yesterday" but anytime before this moment! I love her "member yesterday" comments. I just see the wheels turning.

So, all this nice weather brings me to enjoyment. I'm enjoying lots of things these days.

1.) Pictures of both kids, actually looking at the camera, in the same picture.

If you have 2 kids almost 16 months apart, you know exactly what I am talking about! Even with the digital camera, it's next to impossible!

I caught this cute one really quick one night.

2.) The energy this city has for it's basketball team.

I am a baseball fan, a Yankees fan to be exact. I could take basketball or leave it. I enjoy watching the 'cuse, but am not a die-hard or anything. But, Syracuse does have a good team, and I've really gotten into it lately. Jon and I had a date night awhile ago and went to a game at the Dome. They got a #1 seed for this years NCAA tournament and this city has gone crazy! Today they played the #16 seed, Vermont and everywhere I went, all I saw was orange, or blue.

The kids showed their spirit for their mom's alma mater by proudly wearing their orange and blue!

3.) good books

I love to read. I mean, heck, I have a master's degree in literacy. It's one of the top important things a child will ever learn. I want to instill a love of books in my kids, and I want them to be enriched by the many places books can take them. I will save my soap box speech for another time, and leave it at books are important, and fulfilling, and one of the best inventions of all time!

I don't have the time in my life right now to read. I need motivation, because, at the end of the day, as much as I would like to curl up with a good book, I am just too tired or I have more important things to do. I know if I am into the book, I won't put it down, and my life will be in shambles because of it.

In the meantime, I rely on children's book, which, I have to say, are equally as satisfying.

4.) Pictures on my new camera

I have A LOT to learn, but I am slowly figuring some things out. I can't wait to learn more tricks and be a pro!

Umm, hello, little boy!

Clapping boy!

Pretty girl, in the Stampin'UP! headband I made her!

Who knew she loved salad!?! She had to have the whole bowl to herself!

Little boy in a baby pnp!

Playing! What a mess!!

Dance class! This picture cracks me up!

A quiet little corner!

Loves to eat!

Watching his big sister!

Playing!

luck of the irish

We're Italian in this house. Yes, the kids are only 50% Italian, but we converted Jon from his mutt-hood to Italian, so we'll consider the entire family to be 100% too! That being said, St. Patrick's Day is not a huge day in our household. We can't just skip holidays though, and it wouldn't be a holiday unless we did something.

So, we all dressed in green, and made rice krispie treat shamrocks, with green and white shamrock sprinkles, and we had a green themed dinner, complete with green mashed potatoes, broccoli, corned beef and cabbage (and chicken for Grandma and Mommy), on green plates and bowls with green milk! It was a hit, even though the wee ones had no clue!

I am so a bad mom, because, as I was going through pictures, I realized all I have is this lame picture of the back of cole. Nice.

And, St. Patrick's Day is not complete without green beer...

And, a Shamrock shake, which was consumed later that night!

a lazy sunday

Today was a lazy Sunday! We had friends over the night before for games, and we lost an hour of sleep so we just weren't in any kind of mood to do much. We work up early and nicolette helped me make the sauce and meatballs. I think it was her fist experience helping with the Italian meal! I remember Sunday mornings when I was growing up. When I was little and still living in Niagara Falls, we would have Sunday dinner at my Grandma and Grandpa's house with my aunt, uncle and cousins. Of course when we moved to Syracuse, we lost that tradition, but my mom still made the sauce on Sundays. The smell still brings me back to my bedroom, waking up around 10am and smelling the sauce already cooking. If was an early Sunday morning, aka I didn't go out the night before, I would help my mom mix the meat for meatballs. It's so weird to carry on those trations for my own family.







Grandma and Grandpa offered to take our precious little girl for the morning, and Jon was working so it was just me and the little guy. It's so nice to spend time with just him, since he/I never really gets that. He is so.much.fun without his big sister around! We didn't do much, but it was a fun mommy-son day!





My parents and Mike and Nicole came over to eat. I love big family Sunday dinners, which don't happen often enough around here. And, I love it even more when I get to use my Williams-Sonoma pasta bowls. They are my favorite registry item from when we got married!






What a fun day!

winter wonderland

I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but nicolette just played in the snow for the first time! It only took 2.5 years! Cole was working on a little over a year, so he's not too bad. In my defense, nicolette was too small her first winter, and then it didn't snow much before cole was born in December. After he was born, I was recooperating from my c-section and wasn't in much shape to take two little ones out in the snow. I bought nicolette snow pants (12 months) and everything, hoping we'd take her out. But life happened and we never made it out last winter. I have a little secret, I'm not really into the snow, despite living in CNY. I wasn't particularly looking forward to anytime out in the snow, but I also didn't want to deprive my little ones of the fluffy white stuff, ya know, in case they happen to love it.

So, out we went, on a lovely snowday. Earlier that day, Daddy got stuck in the driveway and then again in road- at 5:45am! It was a winter wonderland in our front yard. We bundled all up, nice and warm. Nicolette's purple snow pants, with the tags still on, still fit and this year she had boots! I found some warm pants and layers for cole and out we went. We, of course, grabbed out snowman kit, which by the way is one of my favorite things. You get this little chest that includes a hat, a red scarf, some buttons, a carrot nose, some eyes, a mouth and a pipe (nice!).

Cole wasn't too sure of the snow and wasn't really into walking in it. Nicolette was a little unsure, but quickly found the fun in it. Let me tell you, taking two little ones in the snow and building a snowman is hard work. I knew we wouldn't last outside to build a full, 3 ball, snowman, so we kind of just made a snow-pile that resembled a snowman. He was kid-size and kid-friendly and of course we named him Frosty! Donovan, our neighbor came over to help the kids. He's always so good with them and even asked us if we minded if he went to play with the kids (his own age) down the street!

It was an experience and we had fun. We came in an enjoyed some hot chocolate!

mommy guilt

Anyone who knows me knows how much I want to stay at home with the kids. I never expected I would be a working mom, long before I had kids. I never envisioned anything else besides staying at home. I was young, and oh, so naive. My mom stayed home with us, and I just expected I would too.

When Nicolette was born, we tried to make it work, but it just wasn't in the cards. Jon worked in sales at the time, and a lot of his salary was commission, and we just couldn't do a never-know-what-you're-going-to-get salary. So, back to work I went. I held onto hope that when the next baby came, we would make it work. Low and behold, just 7 short months later we found out we were expecting, and there wansn't time to make things work for our family. Heck, it was not even four months after I went back to work.

So here I sit, on my precious weekend days off, counting down the days till summer vacation, just like I've done every spring since I was five. Counting the days till I get over two, uninteruppted, months off to bask in the sunshine with my littles and play till we can't keep our eyes open any longer. Two months to teach them about the world, and all the things they will need to know when they are "big". Two months to make up for all the days I was at work and wasn't able to kiss them and hug them all day long or have picnics in the yard. Two months to take them to the library, and the zoo, and all the other fun places we missed out on during the last ten months of the year.

You might think I am being a bit dramatic, but it's hard to let go of a dream, one I want more than anything else. Yes, I know I am providing for my kids by working and yes, they are getting "great socialization", but people, they are years and moments I can never get back. One day, hopefully not soon, they will not long for their mommy and they will have friends to be their companions.

I have such guilt for working, even though I know I have to work and it's what is best for our family right now. I know I have a great job- only working 35 hours a week, having 26+/- days off in addition to summer vacation, and I am grateful. I don't want to take that for granted. In some respects, I feel a lot luckier than most, for many reasons, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the guilt. Because of it, I try my hardest to love my kids better when I am home, hug them more, make them laugh more and squeeze in all the things we would be doing if I was at home. It's just never enough though. There is never enough time in the day to make that happen and that's when it hurts. I, at times, try to rationalize it all my head, but I always come back to the guilt. As if moms who stay home are somehow better moms to their kids. Of course I know I am a fabulous mom (love that word, btw), but I feel like my kids are getting cheated by me not being home. In the fall, Nicolette will go to pre-school three days a week. I will never get to take her there, or pick her up. I'm happy Jon will get that job, and we're lucky that he will be able to do it, but I secretly (or maybe not a secret anymore... lol) wish it were me. Instead I will be taking care of other people's kids. It doesn't seem fair, and it's just not the same.

I have such a hard time with this. I feel jealous of all moms who get to stay at home. I hate that I feel jealousy and envy, and I am trying to "heal" myself. Posting this, for instance, I'm hoping, will help me to heal my broken heart- the dream I am still holding onto. I grew up learning to never give up on my dreams. Lets see, I have three more years to make something happen and maybe that dream will become a reality. We will see...

I do feel slightly better, just for letting it all out. The guilt will continue, I'm sure, because as I am writing this, my kids are playing alone and I feel bad. Playing alone can be a good thing, right?? I must get going, to read books to the munchkins!